Don't worry, this is not a pity party. But it is a conglomeration of weeks worth of putting the pieces together, so bear with me! There is a pretty picture in the end.
(The great thing is that in His love and mercy, we aren't left to wallow in the mud. Nope He lifts us out, helps clean us off, and offers the opportunity for us to try again. And again. And again.)
There has been much spiritual talk around our house lately. I mean, we talk about God a lot, but some pretty deep thinking and mulling over has been going on. Pa is praying hard about his ministry to the youth and the church as a whole - what God's purpose is for him here. I've been praying hard about my role in his ministry - am I only supposed to be a mother during this season or has God carved out something more for me? We've been brainstorming, sharing ideas, dreaming of the "perfect" ways to reach out and touch the church for Christ; it's been pretty cool. I have been doing some reading (I know, ME?! Reading and writing! God MUST be moving in my life!) and have gotten some great ideas about girls' ministry, moms' ministry, and ministry to parents of youth. I have allowed myself to stay up at night and run through plans in my head. I toss things out at Jason going 100 MPH just to try to process it all.
But, it has been just that. Talk. Lots and lots of talk. No feet to the thoughts.
And it's driving me nuts. You see, I'm a doer. Well, delegator really - I like to tell other people what to do and watch them do it. Anyway, I like to see things DONE not just talked about.
As of late, we have been in a period of waiting.
Waiting for the green lights.
Waiting for affirmation.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
So what's the hold up? "I am so eager Lord. I'm ready to do this thing. Let's get on with it!"
In true God-fashion, He answers me with a smack in the face. (He knows I'm stubborn too, so He leaves no room for questions or interpretations. Just shy of writing it in the clouds...) And what better way to do that than with my beautiful children, right?
My boys are driving me nuts! There are fighting one minute, laughing the next, and screaming at me moments later. They have a very distinct love-hate relationship with each other (and me for that matter). Thad is proving to be particularly testy, challenging everything from dinner plans to the underwear I've grabbed out of the basket. No answer is simple. No obedience is immediate or comes without a tussle. I find myself yelling and speaking harshly. Grumbling under my breath. Arguing with a 4 year old! I am indeed weary and heavy laden. I am grumpy and complaining and have little time for positive interaction with my boys. Most of my time is eaten up with correction and redirection. I'm plumb exhausted.
Now, what does this have to do with anything about ministry?
In my hurry to get something good going at church, I have let something better slip by at home. I've been to the Word and other resources on behalf of my "public" ministry, but have totally neglected the most important - the ministry in my own house.
The hold-up has been me. I have been in God's way. My self-sufficiency in parenting has all but blown up in my face. My reliance on self has meant that God had to slow down my plans to get me back on track. Praise Him for desiring to do so!
He's gotten my attention and is realigning my priorities. Though I still have big dreams for the girls at our church and hopes of living them out soon, I am working on nurturing my own kids first. I am studying a book called Equipped to Love by Norm Wakefield (WARNING: do not read it unless you are prepared to be radically changed) and praying that God will allow the truths from that book, (truths from God's Word pulled apart by the author of the book) to penetrate and change my heart.
Will you join me in praying for a changed heart? That the Lord will teach me to love my family with His love and not that of the world? That I will stop looking for what I can get out of my loved ones and begin searching for what I can give? That I will not seek fulfillment from anywhere other than my Creator?
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